No, I didn't see two thousand and ten movies last year.
-The Basics-
The Ratings System:
10 - Classic
9 - Awesome
8 - "I'd buy that for a dollar!"
7 - Great
6 - Good
5 - Average
4 - Not So Much
3 - "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try"
2 - Crap
1 - Twilight
The Movies, Rated, And In The Order I Dug Them:
Inception - 9
Toy Story 3* - 9
The Social Network - 8
Iron Man 2 - 8
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 – 8
True Grit - 8
Kick-Ass - 8
Shrek Forever After - 8
Robin Hood - 7
Jackass 3-D* - 7
Hot Tub Time Machine – 7
The Wolfman - 7
Legend Of The Guardians* - 7
Frozen - 7
Predators - 7
The Book Of Eli - 7
The Crazies - 7
Alice In Wonderland* - 7
The A-Team - 7
Unstoppable - 7
Shutter Island - 7
Clash Of The Titans - 6
Survival Of The Dead - 6
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World – 6
Tron: Legacy* – 6
The Losers - 6
The Spirit - 5
Skyline - 5
The Expendables - 5
Jonah Hex - 5
Splice - 4
Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time - 3
Legion - 3
A Nightmare On Elm Street - 2
* Saw in 3-D (no, I didn’t see “Saw 3-D”)
-Would You Like To Know More?-
Warning: serious ramblings ahead. Proceed with caution. Stay in lane. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. Dead men tell no tales. Captain, there be whales here…
OK, so let us sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of ratings and the mutability of personal tastes. I love movies. Back when I was a young buck and the world was simpler I'd easily see four to seven a week. These days I don't get out to see them very often, for various reasons (NYC ticket prices, laziness, work, theatre, laziness) but if I could, I'd be at the movies as often as my friend John (who's list of 2010 movies he DIDN'T see would be shorter than my list of 2010 movies I DID see). This year I made a concerted effort to get out and see more, or at least to try and catch up through the wonders of Netflix. I also made the decision back in January to write down the titles of all the flicks I saw this year because I'm slowly turning into Leonard Shelby. Without the tattoos.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, ratings and mutability and stuff. So, firstly, I'm using a scale of 1 to 10, with no fractions and no "zero". If a movie gets made, it gets a score. 0 is not a score. Also, if I started giving .5's to stuff then in reality it would be a scale of 1-19. Besides, fractions are scary. You can't travel in space, you can't go out into space, you know, without, like, you know, uh, with fractions, okay? What are you going to land on – one-quarter, three-eighths? What are you going to do when you go from here to Venus or something? Oh, Dennis Hopper. You are missed. And so is my point, so…
Mutability. Like, changes and stuff. Like, I sometimes see movies that I don't like, and then I watch them again and love them (Die Hard 3, Dark City), and vice-versa (Terminator: Salvation, SW Episodes I-III: Attack Of The Chin Pouch). This list is up-to-the-minute. If I waited a week it might look completely different. So, all "scores" are relative. Sometimes I'm in the wrong mood. Sometimes I have too much (or not enough) beer in me. Sometimes I simply grow up a little and realize I just didn't get it, or got it wrong. A man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age (is this whole thing going to be Shakespeare & Dennis Hopper quotes? If you're LUCKY it is).
So, about a month or so ago I figured I'd not only write down the movies I saw, but I'd put them into the order I liked them. Then once I started doing that, I figured I'd also rate them. Finally, I thought I'd get all "social network" on their asses and share it with y'all. Then I decided to repost it in one of these here blog things that all the kids are talking about these days. If that seems narcissistic and/or self-important, the red “x” is in the upper-left corner of this window (or upper-right if you’re still using that clunky Microsoft nonsense). But, whatever. Isn't this kind of stuff what Facebook & blogs are for? What's that you say? Blogs are for lonely nerds who can't express themselves socially and Facebook is for stalking exes and ogling their hot friends? Who knew!?
Oh, one more thing- a 10 doesn’t necessarily mean “perfect.” Perfection is boring. Steve Soderbergh makes “perfect” movies. They’re clean, neat, everything fits in its right place, the three-act structure is god, and by the end they reach, right on time, the expected climax and conclusion that was set up from frame one. ZZZZzzzzzzzz. Out Of Sight still kicks ass, though. Big, round, luscious J.Lo ass.
Anyway, all movies get “from the gut” ratings from me. This is why I almost never write reviews. I like or dislike a flick, but usually can’t quite put my finger on “why.” Well, that and the whole mutability thing. So, if you’re still interested…
…here’s some brief notes on the 2010 movies I saw in 2010:
A Nightmare On Elm Street: Why? Why remake a movie and bring nothing new to the table? Especially if you're going to tease us with the possibility that Fred Krueger DIDN'T play Uncle Touchy with those kids… and then completely ignore the idea in the third act. WE'RE NOT THAT DUMB.
Legion: Oh, boy. Had promise, and that kick-ass old lady demon opening scene. Then it became a beyond sub-par Night Of The Living Dead remake. The old lady & Keamy from Lost are the only reason it gets a 3 instead of a 2. Oh, and Doug Jones's scene was OK… for whatever movie it was shot for…
Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time: I think my Xbox controller is broken- I kept pressing “A” but this game kept sucking…
Splice: Three words- WTF?
Jonah Hex: …had absolutely no style. Not BAD, but not good, either. It was just… there.
The Expendables: When your movie is dripping with this much fan-favorite testosterone-laden action guys it's probably a good idea to give them less to say. Seriously- a movie full of, er… "seasoned" actors, and the two least mumble-mouthed (and best performers) are a mixed martial artist & a former football player? Sheesh. I have nothing but reminiscence-love for Dolph Lundgren, but if they make a sequel I hope they sew his trap shut.
Skyline (or, War Of The Independence Day Matrix-ship Troopers Worlds): A mostly boring, just-sort-of-there 45-minute movie wrapped in a 100-minute package (starring “Jesse” from the Buffy pilot!). Kudos to the filmmakers for only spending between one and ten million bucks (depending who you ask) on it- it looked like a big-budget sci-fi flick… but some more cash thrown at a script & a better director would have been good. As it is it’s just a glorified CGI demo reel for the studio to show off so someone else can hire them to do their effects. Just like the Star Wars prequels.
The Spirit: The Spirit got some stuff so very right. Like it’s Sin City-style shot composition and Sam Jackson being downright batshit CRAZY (oh, and Eva Mendez’s full backside nudity…). It also got some stuff so very wrong. Like every time the movie came to a screeching halt so the half-baked dialogue could ramble on too long or The Spirit could deliver a crappy monologue to the camera instead of using a nice, old-fashioned voice-over. The good got to heights of an 8, and the bad sunk to lows of a 3, therefore it averages out to a score of "Average." Math!
Note: Um… I realize that in a scale of 1-10 a “5” isn’t actually“Average.” In this case I choose to apply what George W. would have called “fuzzy math.” Except, in this case, it’s actually true. Also, fuck that jackhole.
The Losers: MAN I wanted to like this movie so much more. But it's just "Good." Of the three "double-crossed group of mercs on a mission" movies I saw this year it sits firmly in the middle.
Tron: Revolutions… er, I mean Legacy: The Daft Punk Laser Light Show would have been a lot cooler if it didn’t talk so much.
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah… I get it. It’s fun to reminisce about 8-Bit video games, and wouldn't it be cool to base a love story and some action around that and add some crazy effects & interesting editing to sex it up a bit? Not really. But it's still good. Edgar Wright is the reason this gets a 6 instead of a 5. He manages to class it up a bit… but not enough to get it any more above-average than it is. I'm holding off before giving it a second day in court, mostly because I'm afraid the score will get lower once I'm not at an Alamo Drafthouse, drinking booze while watching it. I do hope I end up liking it more without having to skip showering for a few days, grow a scraggly beard, wear an ironic hat & t-shirt, and move to a bedbug-infested loft in Williamsburg.
Survival Of The Dead: The more I think about this movie, the more I feel it will get better with age. It was definitely wrongly maligned by the internet movie-geek community. Still, some bad performances weigh this one down a little. Diary Of The Dead was barely-watchable C-R-A-P, but thankfully Romero was able to pull himself out of the grave he dug for himself with this one (see what I did there?).
Clash Of The Titans: No, it's not the original. But seriously- revisit that one these days and you'll still love it for its ability to take you back to your childhood… and maybe get a little embarrassed once or twice by how much it doesn't hold up like you remember. Basically, the new Clash looks amazing, the action is cool, the writing is abysmal, and the acting is just sort of there. What it's missing is the grand-slam performance extravaganza of Lawrence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Burgess Meredith, and Harry Hamlin's nipples.
Note: I wish I could see the original cut, before they sacrificed logical storytelling to make more screen time for Sam "I'm cast in all of these effects-heavy movies because I'm really not all that interesting" Worthington.
Shutter Island: Creepy, atmospheric, well-acted. The revelation scene at the end made my heart hurt. Would have been better if it didn't seem slightly phoned-in by Scorsese. But seriously, "phoned-in" Scorsese is still better than most directors who give it their all.
Unstoppable: Hey, this was a really good movie! Starts out a little slow, but by the third act you realize this was intentional. The movie picks up speed as the runaway train does. If Tony Scott wasn’t behind the lens this one would have been a stinker, but once again he brings his “sensible action director” aesthetic to the table & we all get to feast. Also, Captain Kirk and Malcolm X worked really well together. Which, considering the latter’s penchant for mowing over his costars, says something about Chris Pine’s talent (as well as Denzel’s newfound restraint).
The A-Team: Fun, fun, fun. Everything I expected it to be. Everything The Expendables wasn't.
Alice In Wonderland: Hoo, boy. OK. Here we go. I’m pretty sure I’m not cuckoo bananas, but I really, really liked this movie (GET THAT STRAIGHT-JACKET AWAY FROM ME!!!), but man did it get CREAMED on the infernets. Now, I get that there are such things as opinions, and that every single one is different. If you didn’t like this film, that’s fine. But if your complaint is of the "why did Burton change the story so much" and "how come everything has to be so DARK in all his movies" type (of which there seem to be plenty), then I’m not sure you were paying attention. Hell, I’ve even read reviews that wrongly describe it as an “origin story.” This Alice is basically a sequel to the events of Alice In Wonderland & Through The Looking Glass. The movie goes out of its way, more than a few times, to let you know that 1. she's been there before, 2. she never remembers being there before, and 3. the place has gone completely wrong (and dark) because it turns out that tyrant chick who likes to cut peoples’ heads off... is evil. Right? Who’d-a thunk it? Then there’s the people who hate it because "Tim Burton sucks now." If you're going in with that agenda and letting it color your experience, you're a lazy filmgoer. Anyway, I saw this movie in the theater in 3-D, and , yeah… that didn't work. It wasn't a Clash Of The Titans experience (which I did NOT see in 3-D, I just heard about how bad it was), but it was… well… I was wearing the glasses, but it still looked 2-D, which was distracting. And headache-inducing. But I still dug it. I visied it at home again, in 2-D, and liked it even more. Tim Burton may be down, but he’s not out.
The Crazies: Another zombie movie? Yes. Can't really put my finger on it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It ain't going down in history as a classic, and will probably be forgotten by this time next year, so I'm glad I caught this one while it was fresh.
The Book Of Eli: Solid post-apocalyptic character piece. Another non-classic, but the visual style was great, chronic overactor Denzel managed to rein it in a bit (twice in one year!), and it had the Gary Oldman bump. Mila Kunis was borderline waste-of-space, but she pulled through. Those Hughes brothers sure know how to frame a shot.
Predators: Robert Rodriguez definitely wins the "Cool Guy Who Makes Movies" award. He ain't the best out there, but he seems to know what we want and can deliver it with style. The movie lost me a bit for 20 minutes or so somewhere in the middle, but as a continuation of the Predator story (AVP does not exist in this dojo) this one delivers. As far as director Nimród Antal's other movies are concerned... I haven't seen any, but now I'm curious. Any suggestions?
Frozen: holy cow, what an uncomfortable, scary, gross, thrilling movie this was. And 80% of it takes place in a chair! Might have gotten a higher score, but I'm not sure how rewatchable this one's gonna be.
Legend Of The Guardians: the surprise of the year for me. A CGI-animated kids movie about owls. In 3-D! Very exciting, very touching, great voice acting, and so realistic that it took me out of it at times because I found myself eye-mapping every bit of feather fluff on those thing's faces. It gets no more than a 7 because I kinda don't remember a lot of story-specifics. Looking forward to watching this one at home, even if I end up missing that story stuff again.
The Wolfman: Great remake of a moldie-oldie. Everyone in it is great, and it has this subtly creepy, gothic tone oozing through every bit of it. Was a little sad the masses didn't agree, but, ultimately, who cares what those jagoffs think.
Hot Tub Time Machine: Yup. A funny, silly movie about time-traveling back to the 80's. Laughed a lot, had a blast, watched it at home, did the same, and that's that. Rob Corddry is one funny mutha - shut your mouth! - Hey, I’m just talkin’ ‘bout Rob Corddry!
Jackass 3-D: Huh huh… they smacked that guy in the face with a giant hand. Heh… slow-motion water-splash and boxing-gloved punch to the face. huh, huh… huh… that guy just got bungeed in a Port-A-John full of shit.
Note: Oh, yes. I'm still 16. Make no mistake about it.
Robin Hood: I was enjoying it, with reservations, right up until I realized, near the very end, that this was a prequel to the classic Robin Hood story. Then I liked it so much more. Still, the big climactic battle on the beach was a little generic and precious (really, do we HAVE to have Maid Marion put on chainmail and fight too? Yeah, yeah, I understand "girl power," and all, but I also understand character continuity). Sadly, this one didn't do so well, so there probably won't be a sequel. Too bad, cause I'd now like to see Ridley Scott continue it on to the story as we know it.
Oh, also: KEAMY!
Shrek Forever After: What’s big and green and forgoes 90% of its predecessors’ penchant for boring pop-culture references in favor of actually telling a story? Shrek 4, that's what! Who’da thunkit!?
Kick-Ass: Kicked ass. Pretty good intro with the origin of the title character- I was kinda into the whole "non-super" Spider-Man vibe, but not sure where it was going… and then all of a sudden there’s Nic Cage shooting his small daughter in the chest to prove she can survive a bullet while wearing Kevlar and I was SOLD. Also, the scene where "Big Daddy" takes out the goons in the warehouse was the best Batman scene Nolan, Burton, and Schumacher (and Martinson) never filmed. And, BONUS- it has a little girl calling people "cunts" right before shooting them in the head! To quote Degrassi: "it goes there."
True Grit: Another Coen masterpiece. Why only an 8? Because I have yet to see a brothers Coen movie that I fell in love with, unconditionally, the first time through. They’re so densely packed that it takes multiple viewings for me to fully appreciate them. Lebowski is my favorite movie of all time, but it certainly didn’t gain that status until the 4th or 5th viewing, at best. I’m psyched to revisit this one a few times. Also, Grit was so very faithful to the book that it wasn’t so Coen-y. Which I’m sure was their point. Also, also- Jeff Bridges is the man. Like you didn’t know that already.
Harry Potter & The Ca$h Grab, Part 1: Sorry. Had to throw some cynicism in there. But seriously, in this case, everybody wins. WB gets extra $$ for splitting up the movie and we get more awesome Potterage (“I wish they had split all of the movies into two parts. Well, maybe not the first two…”- Bonze), cuz that Yates guy gets it. Once the dust settles and I’ve seen all these movies multiple times, I’ll probably do a “Yates Day” Potter thing. Like watching all of LOTR or the Star Wars trilogy in one day, except only watching Order of The Phoenix through Deathly Hallows, Part 2 as one big movie. Speaking of which, someday you should try the “Larkin & Costello Star Wars Afternoon”- start Star Wars at the briefing before the Death Star battle, watch to the end, continue through all of Empire, then watch Jedi until they rescue Han and leave Tatooine. Yes, yes- I’m a huge nerdlinger.
Oh, right- forgot to talk about the movie. Loved it… but it was so front-loaded that I found myself a little distracted in the second half. Not a bad thing, since we’re meant to feel the frustration and confusion that these characters experience by temporarily fleeing their world gone so horribly wrong, but still- after witnessing the frightening, exciting, violent extravaganza that was the first hour of DH, Pt.1, my brain wasn’t quite ready to get off that rollercoaster. I’m POSITIVE that when it continues in Pt. 2 I will fully appreciate the slowdown, just like in the book… but for now I’m simply letting the anticipation get the better of me. Also, the animated section where Hermione tells the story of the Deathly Hallows was the coolest thing filmed this year.
Iron Man 2: As good as the first, albeit with a little less heart and a lot more action. I love how Favreau makes it feel like these Marvel Comics characters are from an extended Swingers universe. I've watched it once in the theatre and once at home now, and both times I had the same issue: it started to lose me, and then it was five minutes in to the finale before I realized it had moved into the finale. Weird. Still, it's an 8, because weird pacing aside, when it's right, it's so exciting to watch.
The Social Network: You know, I had absolutely no interest in seeing this movie. Seriously, zilch. But then I saw Jesse Eisenberg on Conan, and they showed a quick little clip of the movie and suddenly I wanted to see it very badly. So I did. And it was superb, just like everybody said it was (dammit). I might have ranked it a 9, but I’m fairly certain I won’t be revisiting it, beyond catching a scene on some basic cable channel sometime in the future and getting hooked for ten minutes or so. It’s just not a watch over-and-over kind of movie. But I’m very, very happy I broke down and gave it a chance while it was still relevant.
Note: Thank the maker David Fincher was able to redeem himself after the bore-fest that was Benjamin Button. Also, Zodiac & Social were great, but I really, really hope he goes back to his Se7en/Fight Club roots for his next film.
Toy Story 3: Those jerks at Pixar really know how to make a grown man cry.
Inception: I loved this movie. Did I "get it"? Yes. Would I explain it to you? No way, Jose. To quote the Matrix, "It's the question that drives us." If you liked it, watch it again. If you didn't, it's up to you, but I think you should give it another go. I DID see it twice in the theatre, but I made the mistake of seeing it in IMAX the second time. Didn't take anything away from the movie, but I was so busy moving my head from side to side to catch everything that I missed so much. Also, JG-L's weightless ordeal in the hotel is the best action sequence of the year, which proves that you don't need quick-cuts, big explosions, and shaky-cams to get the job done. Christopher Nolan is a tried-and-true artist, right down to the bone. I hope this one stands the test of time, because it may truly be a “Classic.” Give it a couple of years. I’ll get back to you.
