Some Brief Oscar Thoughts

I don't usually watch the Academy Awards.  I usually don't give a rat's balls about a group of people kissing each others' asses.  But since 2010 was the "Year I Got Back To The Movies" I figured I'd give it a go.  Even though it was to be hosted by James "Overexposure" Franco and that bland chick from those movies.  Besides, even though it's ultimately a waste of time, I still like to see people I like get some sort of recognition.  Like when Jeff Bridges won last year.  Guy's the coolest actor in Hollywood, so yeah, it was great to see his speech.  The Dude's Speech.  Somebody should make that parody.  Not it!

Anyway, I really don't have much to say, but here's a few musings-

1. I now like James Franco.  Dude turned phoning-it-in into an art form.  And those faces he made every time what's-her-name ad-libbed stuff were priceless.  Also, how HIGH was he?

2. Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress for The Fighter and then gave the worst performance of her career with her fake surprise and excitement.  Seriously, how long did she rehearse that response?  If she lost I think she would have pulled a Zoolander and hit the stage anyway.  Oh, and it should have gone to Hailee Steinfeld.

3. Christian Bale may have a rep for being "difficult" on set, but that guy is one class act.  That fact that Dicky & Micky were there was awesome.

4. Justin Timberlake should win an award for his obscure Banksy "controversy" shout-out.  AND for his callback to Kirk Douglas's schtick.

5. Were those barnacles on Cate Blanchett's gown?

6. Annette Bening, repeat after me:  "I'm Mr. Green Christmas, I'm Mr. Sun/ I'm Mr. Heat Blister, I'm Mr. Hundred-And-One..."

7. Aaron Sorkin is the man.

8. Was what's-her-name Annie Half-a-wit auditioning for Wicked, or something?  Boo.  Yes, you can sing... but it just made you come across as desperate.

9. Sad that Deakins didn't get the Cinematography award, but at the same time not sad that it went to Pfister.  Actually, I would have been OK with it going to anything but The King's Speech.  Speaking of which...

10. The King's Speech.  Really, really great movie.  Can't wait to watch it again, especially after seeing all those clips.  However, Best Picture AND Best Director?  First of all, Best Director- no way.  Sorry.  Of the choices we were given, that one should have gone to Aranofsky or Fincher.  Or Nolan, if he were up for it, AND HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN.  Best Picture I can almost see... but The Social Network should have won.  My favorite movie of the year was Black Swan.  I would have loved to have seen TSN walk away with Best Pic and Aranofsky get Best Director.  Or the other way around.  Whichever.

11. No remembrance love for Corey Haim?  HOW DARE YOU.  Also, who was the last one they showed?  There was no name attached to it.

12. Trent Reznor even looks badass in a tux.  Or, especially looks badass in a tux.

13.  I really dug The Wolfman, but was it me, or were all the shots they showed for its "Best Makeup" nomination CGI?  Great to see Rick Baker up there 30 years later for his work on another werewolf, though.  Even if he looks like Bob from Twin Peaks.

14. That God Of Love dude was awesome.

15. That Denmark lady should have used some Dry Idea.

16. Hey, Jennifer Hudson- there's an "S" in the word "Lyrics."  Learn English.  Kirk Douglas was more eloquent.

17. Hey, Harvey Weinstein:

ra·zor

 [rey-zer] –noun
1. a sharp-edged instrument used especially for shaving the face or trimming the hair.
2. an electrically powered instrument used for the same purpose.

18. Hey, Oprah:  WHY ARE YOU HERE?  Also, I thought Moby Dick was white.

19.  Once again, Jeff Bridges is the coolest guy in town.  His little intros for each of the Best Actress noms proved it.

20.  The show started at 8:30 and was over at 11:30-ish.  Nice and short, Oscar-wise.  Perfect.  Let's hope this is the start of a new trend.

ADDENDUM, 3/1/11:  Forgot to mention- the music during that F. F. Coppola tribute thing was from the score to Branagh's Henry V- the St. Crispin's Day speech!  SHAKESPEARE NERD ALERT!

Spoiler Alert!

I've been thinking about Spoilers lately.  I wrote up a very small snippet about the movie Devil in which I might have given away the BIG SECRET as to who the bad guy was.*  My buddy Lance (gently) took me to task about that**, and I started to think- is giving away a plot point really that detrimental to a film?  Can a movie still be watchable if you know the BIG TWIST that happens in it?  Well, as with all things, I think it depends on the movie.  Or, rather, if the movie is any good.

Let's talk Devil.  Not really all that great a movie.  But it was sold in such a way that hinged on the question: "which one of these people is the killer?"  Or, I guess, "which one of these people is the DEVIL?  Bwa-ha-haaaaa!"  But even suggesting that that was what the movie was about is ridiculous.  And spoiler-y, actually.  That one of them was the devil in disguise (oh, yes you are) should have been a secret.  Yes, I know it was the title of the movie, but the way the concept was introduced was actually quite effective.  Or would have been if they didn't give it away by selling the movie on it.  And why did they make it such a point to try and hook you in with the idea that you needed to figure out which annoying douche in the elevator was a murderous demon?  Is it maybe because the movie was so weak that it had to be sold on a gimmick?  Yes.  Yes it was.  That.

I saw The Crying Game back in '92.  Not the first movie to feature a (penis) plot twist, but I think it's where the whole craze started.  Gene Siskel famously revealed the (penis) BIG SECRET on his & Ebert's "Memo To The Academy" show.  The latter was pissed.  But why?  I mean, the (penis) movie had been out for months already.  And those guys had a show about discussing films, for chrissake.  And The Crying Game is a really, really good movie that people wanted to talk about.  Tiptoeing around the (penis) BIG REVEAL that late in the game would have been detrimental to discussion.  If you hadn't seen The Crying Game by the time Siskel whipped it out, chances are you weren't the type of moviegoer that cared about such things.  The secret that there was a secret was already out, so if you were interested you would have gotten your ass to the movies and seen it for yourself.  Was is shocking?  Sure.  Did it enhance the visceral experience of the film when the BIG REVEAL happened?  Yes... sort of.***   Does it mean that now that I've seen it I can never watch and enjoy the damned thing again?  Of course not.  Did finding out who Keyser Söze was make me never want to watch The Usual Suspects again?  No WAY.  If anything, it made me want to get right back in line to see how they cleverly weaved the plot around that character for an entire movie.  Same with The Sixth Sense.

…and let's talk M. Night Schuleramaringtone: a guy who built his rep on big plot twists, then fell victim to them.  By the time The Village came out everyone was so much more interested in what the BIG PLOT TWIST was going to be than the movie itself.  I remember seeing the trailer for it and immediately my brain kicked into high gear trying to figure out what the BIG SECRET was.  And, of course, I did.  We all did.  And we all still went to see it.  Now, whether that movie stands up on its own once you know the secret is debatable (I say yes.  I liked it… but, sadly, The Village was his last stand.  And it wasn't a considerably strong last stand), but the point still remains: the story took a back seat to the BIG REVEAL, which watered down the plot simply because the twist became more important.  Hell, the guy even tried to distract us with a red-herring twist ("what is the big, bad wolf?") first, to obfuscate the bigger twist at the end.  It, uh… didn't work, M.

And on that same topic, remember Scream 3?  I mean, if you're like me you've tried to scrub the memory from your brain, but were unsuccessful.  But remember Scream 3?  They were completely out of ideas at that point, so guessing who the killer was was simply a "who's still alive?" issue.  I remember hearing that the actors all received different copies of the script with different endings.  You know what?  If it's that interchangeable, don't expect me to take the shit seriously.  Hell, they even did a crappy fake reveal where McDumbass from that hospital show gives an (out of character) evil smile towards the camera as if to say, "yup.  It's ME this time," and then a few seconds later he gets stabbed, or pummeled, or something by the real killer (a character that, if I remember correctly, had almost no (if any) screen time before his reveal).  What a cheap-ass out-of-context way to try and throw the audience off.  It was like a watered down red herring.  A pink herring.  A perfect example of how useless plot twists can be if you're using them to simply go through the motions.  Don't waste our time with crap like that- we're too smart.

Anyway, having said all that, if you walk out of a movie and start yelling, "he was a ghost the whole time!" to the people waiting in line, you're an asshole.  Don't rob people of their right to be surprised.  However, if you read a review of a movie before you see it, and something is given away, that's just too damned bad, Jack.  Chances are you were reading the review to decide whether or not to go see the blessed thing in the first place, which really boils down to you wanting your experience colored before you go.  That's how reviewers make a living.  If you see that your favorite reviewer has given a movie 1 out of 5 stars, there's a good chance you won't go****, or you will go, but with preconceived notions that will likely "enhance" your viewing experience.  I don't usually read reviews before seeing a movie for this very reason.  If Mr. Ebert or that dude on NY1 or the boys & girls at CHUD.com like or dislike something, all I'm going to see when I go to the theater is the stuff they pointed out.  Sure, I can form my own opinions after the fact, but while I'm sitting there in the dark I'm waiting for the next point that I read about to pop up and stick out like a sore thumb instead of experiencing it organically.  Reviews, for me, are so much better AFTER I see a movie.  I can agree or disagree, but reading someone else's point of view is always a great way to expand your mind once you've already formed your own opinions.  That way you can jump into the discussion from a place of knowledge.

So, yeah, spoilers, man.  To recap:

A) if you truly don't want to know about a movie, don't read about it before you see it.  People shouldn't have to write SPOILER ALERT on their articles and stuff- by now it's implied.
B) if you don't see a movie in the first few weeks it's been released, don't get mad if someone is discussing it and gives something away.  If you're late to a party you can't expect everyone to stop drinking, sober up, leave, come back and start all over again.  And,
C) if you find out the BIG REVEAL beforehand, consider that it's only the secret that's been spoiled, not the whole movie.  If it turns out it IS the whole movie that's been spoiled, then the movie probably blows.

*I don't feel bad about spoiling Devil for two reasons: 1. It was pretty obvious from the trailer for the film that they were going to go with the most "shocking" choice and, 2. it's a movie that wants you to guess who it is but gives you absolutely ZERO clues right up until the reveal.  You're not meant to be able to figure it out.  Which is why, ultimately, it was a waste of time.

**Lance, if you're reading, I want to be clear- this was not intended to be a rant against you.  You simply got my juices flowing on the subject.

***was it really that mind-blowing to find out it was a dude?  C'mon.  Like your spider-sense is THAT fucking dull.


****For the record- if you're thinking about seeing a movie and you happen to read one of my reviews that trashes it, know that I am never, never, ever telling you to skip said movie.  When it comes to films I'm definitely an advocate of empiricism above authoritarianism (yeah, like I'm an authority on ANYTHING).  Think about the times you've loved a movie and then read a bad review of it somewhere that made you say, "that guy doesn't know what he's talking about."  I'm sure this has happened to you (like my friend Tom who HATED Black Swan and was dumbfounded by my love for it).  Basically, what I'm saying here is don't be a follower, man.

P.S.  Penis.

Roman Spelunking

Two more for February.  It's a bleak time of year for movies, y'all, and there's really no diamonds to be found in the rough yet.  The Mechanic was good, but it was more like finding that state quarter you're still missing than a diamond.  I expect Sucker Punch will be the first, but that's over a month away.  Maybe we'll get lucky and Unknown will do the job.  Or, at least The Adjustment Bureau, but that one's weeks away as well.  For now, though, we've got a base-on-balls and a pop fly to Pedroia to pass the time...


The Eagle:  I was on board with this movie.  I really enjoy the rare occasion where I know absolutely ZERO about a movie, or close to it, and go in and get blown away.  Die Hard was that way for me.  Aliens, Se7en, and The Matrix, too.  On a slightly lesser scale, Blood Of Heroes (no disrespect, yo).  I'm sad to say The Eagle was not one of these.  But I was on board.  For awhile.  Especially since it appeared I was getting something very different- a slow, brooding, atmospheric, downsized sword-and-sandles movie about regaining one's family honor that began to morph into a thought-provoking drama about questioning a government's policies about colonization and genocide by way of a complete master-slave role-reversal... and then I blinked... and suddenly some disgraced heroes were conquering the "savages" with superior arms, HUZZAH!  Sigh.  Look, I'm OK with a non-PC movie.  In fact, for the record, fuck political-correctness.  We all know when to be douchebags and when to not, so we don't need to be told what we can and can't say (and, I'm sorry, black is simply way fucking cooler than African American. "African American" sounds like something a wimpy white guy made up.  So sue me).  Uh... right, The Eagle (the fourth movie I've seen this year, and so far every one starts with the word "The")... I'm OK with non-PC movies, but don't give me one thing and cop out literally in the last 5 minutes.  And don't ignore your own story.  I mean, the guy was pale, limping, and dying of a horrible wound for the last three scenes, so don't all of a sudden put color in his cheeks and have him fight like he just got a hot meal and 8 hours of sleep.  And don't have your other lead leave his sickly ass behind to scour an entire country, on foot, and make it back in only a couple of hours with twenty redemption-seeking disgraced heroes... at the exact same time the bad guys show up.  And weren't you just trying to show us that they weren't actually bad guys, but people, just like us?  Maybe I misread that bit.  Maybe it was a "might is right" movie from the get-go.  Didn't feel like it.  So, yeah, anyway, very atmospheric...  generic, grainy cinematography somehow works more often than not these days.  Must be technological improvements... or maybe I'm getting soft.  It was a stark, bleak, dry movie at the start and then once they cross Hadrian's Wall it became a dank, wet, cold film.  Very effective.  Billy Elliot and G. I. Joe were good.  They weren't given much to do, but they did it well (?).  Creepy Donald Sutherland was in this for a few minutes.  The opening sequence was really good.  I wonder if there's a director's cut looming for the DVD release.  That might explain a lot.

6 out of 10 Golden Eagles


The (not really...) Sanctum:  YOU Sanctum, you brought 'um.  WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA!!!  Uh... yeah.  Remember that scene where they had to swim through a small passage in the rocks to try and find a new way out of the cave?  Me too.  'Cause it was the ENTIRE MOVIE.  But I have a question:  if the cave was flooding, and you have scuba equipment, instead of venturing forward into unknown, pitch black, very likely dead-end territory, why not wait until it flooded and just SWIM THE FUCK OUT THE BIG GODDAMN HOLE THAT YOU CAME IN THROUGH.  Sigh.  Another question:  if you're going to make a 3-D movie, where (duh) visuals are obviously the most important thing, why set the entire thing in a DARK, CLAUSTROPHOBIC FUCKING CAVE?!?!?  I mean, do we really need to see how 3-D Richard Roxburgh's nose is?  Sorry.  Not his fault.  The guy really brought his A-Game.  Too bad nobody else did.  I liked that Iaon... Iaan... Iooan... however the fuck he misspells the easiest name in name history, IAN Graff... Grauffoo... oh, fuck it.  That guy who played Mr. Fantastic-  I liked him as Lancelot in that King Arthur movie, but since then he's become the worst actor in Christendom.  Why do actors from elsewhere so desperately need to throw on an (bad) American accent?  Iaoaian Graffitti is from Wales, so can't his character just be from, like... WALES, for fuck's sake?  What, people from Wales can't be rich, successful spelunkers, too?  And that one girl couldn't die a horrible death fast enough.  I kinda wanted to cheer when she did, but the movie was so boring I just couldn't muster up the strength.  And there was one scene where they actually got to pan back to try and get all 3-D on us, but underwater shots can't really do 3-D because water isn't solid and has varying densities, and stuff, so all you see is the foreground stalag... rocks sticking down right in front of you, the background in, er... the background, and two assholes suspended in what looks more like mid-air than underwater.  And fake!  I mean, the shot was probably actually really done, but they made it look fake.  I hate 3-D.  I've tried, really.  It only works with animation (which is why it worked so well with Avatar).  Can't someone stand up and prove it causes eyeball cancer, or something?  Please?  Anyway, yeah, what a bunch of unlikeable caricatures these 'nozzles were.  Like I said, the Duke from Moulin Rouge was good, but that was really it.  There was the young guy- watching him was like watching puberty happen to a 22-year-old.  An ANNOYING 22-year-old.  I already spoke about what's-her-face.  And Mr. Fantastic.  The only other semi-likable guy (and, let's face it, he was more annoying than likable) was named Crazy George (typing that made me want to drown in a cave), but he was so obviously the red-shirt-with-a-heart you didn't need bother to invest any real sympathy.  So, yes.  Sanctum wasn't very good.  Oddly enough, I still wanted to know if and how they'd (and who'd) get out of that blessed cave, though, so I can't call it a complete loss.

4 out of 10 3-D Glasses

A priest, an assassin, and a superhero walk into a bar...

I have decided I like writing about movies.  Lucky you.  But rather than wait until the end of the year again and write up one huge missive about everything I saw for 12 months like some fucked-up mental diarrhea Cliff's Notes version of War And Peace, I'm going to get it out in installments, probably in fits and starts, peppered throughout the year.  Like some fucked-up mental diarrhea Cliff's Notes version of The Green Mile.


So, then, uh... yeah.  Here we go...


The Rite:  Oh, joy.  Another non-scary exorcism movie.  To be fair, what it lacked in actual fright it almost made up for in style.  This movie was beautifully designed, lit, shot, and edited.  Anthony Hopkins, unsurprisingly, turned in a great performance.  So did that other guy.  And this movie had 100% more Rutger Hauer than any other exorcism flick!  Here's my question, though: was this an R-rated movie that got pressured into a PG-13 somewhere down the line, or was it always intended to be a watered-down film about finding one's faith with exorcism being the generic vehicle that gets us there?  Maybe I'll see it again on video and pick up something I missed.

BONUS: Hopkins rears his head back (am I using that term right?) and screams "Baal!" exactly like Shatner screams "Khan!"  I illogically choose to believe this was on purpose.

6 out of 10


The Mechanic:  The opening sequence of this movie made me groan and shift uncomfortably in my seat.  It was filmed and cut together like Michael Bay showed up and got his disease on it, or something.  Herpes Simplex Bay.  Basically it looked like more of a movie trailer than a movie- everything was a tracking shot that lasted no longer than 2 seconds and had that washed-out look.  I thought to myself, "Self, this is going to be Con Air 2."  But then the opening credits happened and holy crap!  A good movie!  Simon West must have decided to trust in the story and abandoned most of those lazy techniques for the remainder of the flick, or at least used them sparingly and intelligently.  Now, Disclaimer: I'm not one of those Jason Statham man-crush guys that do their part to make the internet an uncomfortable place to play.  I mean, he was good in Snatch, I sort of liked Crank, and... did I see The Transporter?  I really can't remember.  He was a waste of space in The Expendables... but to be fair, EVERYBODY was a waste of space in The Expendables.  Anyway, I liked him quite a bit in this.  He does that quiet loner thing really well.  Also, Ben Foster managed to not overact for a change.  You can literally see him holding back the urge a couple of times, but that fit in perfectly with his character.  So, yeah- I liked this one.  Reminded me of what I said last year about The Crazies- "Can't really put my finger on it, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.  It ain't going down in history as a classic, and will probably be forgotten by this time next year, so I'm glad I caught this one while it was fresh."

No, I haven't seen the original.

7 out of 10


The Green Hornet:  Somewhere, about 45 minutes in, this movie went from fun to confusing to boring.  It shuffled those three things around for another 45 minutes before descending into "this movie's still going on?"  Now, I want to blame this on miscommunication between the filmmakers and the studio (mostly because I like Michel Gondry and Seth Rogen), but I have no grounds to do so.  I know nothing about the making of this movie, except for the basic rumors (unhappy studio execs, reshoots, release date changes, that sort of thing).  Anyway, Rogen was fun throughout, channeling his inner "gee whiz" and Jay Chou actually managed to turn unintelligible into a viable art form.  And yeah- those two had some real chemistry.  But then Cameron Diaz showed up and managed to take that chemistry and turn it into remedial math.  Seriously, why was she even in this movie?  She brought nothing to the table and managed to grind even the weakest of pacing to a complete stop.  Her character felt shoehorned in, like an 11th hour rewrite, or something- a perfect example of why I believe this movie was the victim of studio interference.  And poor Christof Waltz.  What a complete waste of talent.  Olmos, as well.  I keep forgetting he was even in the movie.  Hell, Tom Wilkinson was there, too.  What the fuck happened?

Oh, and I saw it in 3-D (was it even showing in 2-D anywhere?).  A complete waste, yet again.  Did absolutely nothing for the movie and didn't even look 3-D.  When are they going to realize that post-conversion 3-D su-UCKS.  Oh.  Right.  As soon as we stop paying for it.  My bad.

5 out of 10 (because for a while there it was really, really fun)

2010 Movies II

2010 Movies II: 

The King’s Addendum

or,

The Wrath Of portMhan

or maybe,

I STILL Know What You Did Last Exor... cis…

oh, forget it.

Refresher

(I tried to condense all these into space-saving columns, but this blogspot thing won't let me, and I won't learn HTML because I'm pretty sure it's some kind of scary voodoo magic.)

The Ratings System:

10 - Classic

9 - Awesome

8 - "I'd buy that for a dollar!"

7 - Great

6 - Good

5 - Average

4 - Not So Much

3 - "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try" 

2 - Crap

1 - Twilight

The Movies, Rated, And In The Order I Dug Them:

(added movies in bold)

Black Swan - 10

Inception - 9
Toy Story 3 - 9

The Social Network - 8
Iron Man 2 - 8
Harry Potter 7.1 – 8

True Grit – 8

The American – 8

The King’s Speech - 8

Kick-Ass – 8

Shrek Forever After – 8

The Fighter - 7

Robin Hood – 7

The Town – 7

How To Train Your Dragon - 7

Jackass 3-D - 7
Hot Tub Time Machine – 7

The Wolfman – 7

Legend Of The Guardians - 7
Frozen - 7
Predators - 7
The Book Of Eli - 7
The Crazies - 7
Alice In Wonderland – 7

The A-Team - 7
Unstoppable – 7

Shutter Island – 7

Repo Men - 7
Despicable Me - 6

Clash Of The Titans – 6

Survival Of The Dead - 6

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World – 6

Tron: Legacy – 6

The Losers – 6

The Last Exorcism – 6

Red – 6

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – 6

The Spirit - 5
Skyline – 5

Machete - 5

The Expendables - 5
Jonah Hex – 5

Devil – 5

Splice – 4

Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time - 3
Legion – 3

A Nightmare On Elm Street – 2

Salt – 2

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - ?*

-Would You Like To Know More?-

I saw some more 2010 releases.  I realized that keeping a list of movies released last year that I saw before January 1, 2011 is somewhat limiting, especially since there’s usually some great ones that come out in the final weeks of the year and it’s tough to see them all “on time.”  Also, Netflix doesn’t get a lot of DVDs until a full month after their actual release (the only video store near me is Schlockbuster, and I try very, very hard not to give those jackwads my business), so if I was waiting to see something at home that was coming out for the holiday season, I had to wait a little longer.  And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it snowed a little this January.  I needed something to do while indoors or else I’d end up limping around a hedge-maze with an axe.  Or a roque mallot, if you’re a purist.  Anyway, I decided the real cutoff for 2010 should be January 31, 2011.  Savvy?

As you can see above, I added them to the list where they fall in the order I enjoyed them.  Duh.  

If you’re interested in the non-bold movies above, see my last post, “2010 Movies That I Saw In 2010.”  Some people actually got through the whole thing!  Brave souls.  Or bored souls, more like.  Brave, bored souls.

So…


Salt: Made me wish I was a slug.

Devil: Was there ever any doubt it was the old woman?  OOPS!  Spoiler Alert!  Seriously, I just saved you 80 minutes.  Also, M. Night Shyamalanturing wrote & produced this.  Hey!  I just saved you 80 minutes again!

Machete (or, Once Upon A Time In South Texas): A needlessly convoluted mess.  It was so much cooler when it was just a fake Grindhouse trailer.  No one in it got the memo that they were supposed to be having fun.  Except Don Johnson- he was kinda great, but woefully underused.  He’s ready for a career revival, but this was NOT the movie for it.  Hey, Tarantino!  I found your next fixer-upper! 

Oh, and, um… I feel compelled to append what I said before about Rodriguez: “He ain't the best out there, but he seems to know what we want and can deliver it with style.  Sometimes.”

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: McMovie’s®: Over 80 Billion Served!

Red: Cute action flicks aren’t really my thing.  They’re like pop music.  Pop Film.  Has anyone coined that?  If not, I’m claiming it.  Anyway, if I was 20 years older I might have had some more fun with it.  Reminds me of the time my grandfather asked me if I’d seen Grumpy Old Men (I hadn’t, haven’t).  He really loved it.  I’m sure Grumpy Old Men isn’t bad, but I really don’t care.  Or, won’t care until I’m in my 70’s.  Doesn’t make it a bad flick, just really not my thing.  Same with Red.  Really not bad…  in fact, it was quite good… but very, very safe and very, very aimed at the retiree crowd, as it was the opposite of the “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit” / ”two weeks to retirement…” aesthetic.  60 is the new 40!

I totally dig Mary-Louise Parker, though.  I mean that sexually.

The Last Exorcism:  Filmmakers that tackle any religious subject through horror simply refuse (or are told not to) make them scary enough.  It’s like they’re afraid of getting sued for a patron having a heart attack in the theater, or something (isn’t there an urban legend about that happening when they screened The Exorcist back in the 70’s?  Has there been a movie as scary as that since then?).  The Last Exorcism did get very freaky at times, there was some creepy imagery, and the acting was actually really great.  When all is said and done, though, it’s a movie that builds up an impressive amount of dread that makes you think you’re going to lose your mind with fear… at any moment… here it comes… awww, snap- she’s all contorted… OK, maybe next scene… you’ve come this far, don’t give up now… huh?  The credits are rolling?  FUCK. THAT. SHIT. The ending was a bit of a surprise, but I’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby.  And The Blair Witch Project.  AND THE FUCKING EXORCIST, YOU PUSSIES.

Despicable Me: Pixar makes animated movies for adults that children can thoroughly enjoy.  Despicable Me is an animated movie for children that adults can enjoy… but certainly not as much as a Pixar movie.  It was good.  The minions were really funny… but still not as funny as the Raving Rabbids from the series of Wii games that they blatantly ripped off (nerd!).  Still, it had heart, and some style.  NEXT!

Repo Men: 

    1. Peel and chop equal parts Minority Report and Blade Runner.

    2. Grind 1984 in a blender or food processor to form a paste.

    3. Add 2 cups Brazil to a large pot and bring to boil.

    4. Pour all ingredients into boiling pot, stirring occasionally.

    5. Let cool.

    6. Season with Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life references (to taste).

    Makes one 2-hour batshit crazy extravaganza.

How To Drain (huh huh… huh…) Train Your Dragon: Yeah, that’s a step in the right direction for a non-Pixar animated movie.  Thrilling visuals, voice acting that at least tries to sound like actual human interaction, an original story...  The humor was a little obvious at times, but it was forgivable.  And I think they mo-capped my cat for that main dragon without his consent.  He says he’s suing.  Do you think he has a case?  Anyway, I wish I had seen it in the 3-D.  The computer-animated stuff always fares well with the 3-D.  But, yeah.  I’ll take that.

The Town:  Great, solid, thoroughly enjoyable flick.  I’m happy that Ben Affleck has left his cheesy romcom days behind him, and ever happier that he’s a pretty great director.  Movie was a little slow for me at times, but not so slow that I lost interest.  And let’s talk about Jeremy Renner.  Guy’s a natural.  Seriously, with that character it would have been oh so easy for him to chew the scenery, but he handled it like a pro.  I wasn’t a fan of The Hurt Locker, but he was brilliant in that as well.  Anyway, good flick.

The Fighter:  Yeah, you know… Christian Bale was fantastic (duh), Marky Mark was great (it happens sometimes), Amy Adams was really good (if not a little overrated.  Not her fault), the mom was really good… not really sure what else to say.  It’s another really good Massachusetts movie.  Anothah wickid pissah Mahssachewsetts Awscah Bayt movie with grayt pafahmances.

The King’s Speech: Like a spiritual sequel to The Madness Of King George.  The king (George III/George VI) has a malady (porphyria/stammer) that prevents him from doing his duty in a time of national urgency (Regency Crisis/Rise of Hitler), and it’s not until another royal (Lady Pembroke/Queen Elizabeth) recommends the help of a quirky specialist (Dr. Willis/Lionel Logue) that employs “outside the box” psychological methods (that push the boundaries between social classes) that a breakthrough is finally made.  To be clear: I’m not trying to cheapen the film.  The King’s Speech is fantastic, with amazing performances- Colin Firth elicits sympathy at the drop of a hat, and Geoffrey Rush is always top notch.  Hell, I’d watch him read the instructions to my TV for two hours.  And isn’t it nice to see Helena Bonham Carter actually ACT every once in awhile?  But, yes- this one’s so very obviously Oscar Bait.  The thing about Oscar Bait movies, though, is that it’s often a 12oz., medium rare, horseradish-encrusted, juicy filet mignon with a side of creamed spinach & au gratin potatoes dangling on that hook.

Oh, man.  Now I’m hungry.

The American: What a quiet, beautiful, elegant little movie this was.  George Clooney has really secured himself a spot in the annals of American cinema.  He’s versatile without being flashy, intense without being all method, just a joy to watch, even in movies I’m not so fond of (like Intolerable Cruelty- the only Coen misstep).  Dude’s come a long way since Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (All apologies.  Felt a burning need to drop that reference).  Anyway, The American was beautifully shot.  The use of lighting and colors during nighttime and indoor scenes was so very Dario Argento, which is NEVER a bad thing.  And I dug the pacing (what a weird thing to say)- it kept you only slightly uncomfortable, keeping you in touch with the unease felt by the title character.  I’m looking forward to Anton Corbijn’s next film, although IMDB doesn’t list anything in pre-production.  Maybe he’s shooting another Depeche Mode video, or something.  Let’s hope not.  No offense meant, Mr. Gahan, it’s just that we need more of Corbijn’s style on the big screen.

Black Swan:  Frightening.  Mesmerizing.  Beautiful.  Thrilling.  Painful.  Sexy.  Nightmarish. Un-cOm-FoR-tA-bLe.  This movie is a fucking masterpiece.

*The Human Centipede (First Sequence):

I keep trying to write something about this movie, but I keep getting 3 or 4 words out, and then deleting them.  So, I guess I'll just reprint what I texted to my friend John when the end credits stopped rolling, because I feel like my first impression in this case will always be the purest: "I'm dumbfounded.  I think that was one of the most original, brilliant, beautiful piles of pointless exploitation dogshit I've ever seen.  I can't even begin to consider how to rate it.  I haven't been this confused about a movie… maybe ever.  I think Tom Six should be given first crack at directing anything he wants, but if he ever writes another movie he should be euthanized."

Sorry.  Total cop-out, I know, but I refuse/haven’t a clue how to rate this movie.  Some would say that means the movie succeeded in what it set out to do, and is therefore proof of its brilliance, and I’m inclined to agree… but then the next minute I almost hate myself for considering it.  It hurts to think about, and I want to be done with it.

The cinematography was awesome [slap].  It was too slow [slap].  Dieter Laser was amazing [slap].  Garbage [slap].  Brilliance [slap].  IT WAS GARBAGE AND IT WAS BRILLIANCE! 

Forget it, Jake.  It's Human Centipede.

-Epilogue-

Yeah, there’s still a multiplex-worth of 2010 movies I haven’t seen.  I will see some of them.  Someday.  And there’s a few flicks here that are screaming for that second day in court (I’m SO very ready to be SO very wrong about Scott Pilgrim). But now it’s time to focus on the new.  It’s February already.  Baby New Year (those ears!!!) is already walking and talking, for chrissake.  That pesky groundhog is about to see his own portrait and suddenly grow old, or something.  No, wait… what is it?  If the groundhog doesn’t use a reflective surface to gaze upon Andie MacDowell he turns to stone?  Whatever.  Point is it’s time to move on.  And I don’t care about 127 Hours, so stop asking.  If you were asking.  You weren’t asking, were you.  You’re not even still reading.  Why am I still typing?