2010 Movies II

2010 Movies II: 

The King’s Addendum

or,

The Wrath Of portMhan

or maybe,

I STILL Know What You Did Last Exor... cis…

oh, forget it.

Refresher

(I tried to condense all these into space-saving columns, but this blogspot thing won't let me, and I won't learn HTML because I'm pretty sure it's some kind of scary voodoo magic.)

The Ratings System:

10 - Classic

9 - Awesome

8 - "I'd buy that for a dollar!"

7 - Great

6 - Good

5 - Average

4 - Not So Much

3 - "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try" 

2 - Crap

1 - Twilight

The Movies, Rated, And In The Order I Dug Them:

(added movies in bold)

Black Swan - 10

Inception - 9
Toy Story 3 - 9

The Social Network - 8
Iron Man 2 - 8
Harry Potter 7.1 – 8

True Grit – 8

The American – 8

The King’s Speech - 8

Kick-Ass – 8

Shrek Forever After – 8

The Fighter - 7

Robin Hood – 7

The Town – 7

How To Train Your Dragon - 7

Jackass 3-D - 7
Hot Tub Time Machine – 7

The Wolfman – 7

Legend Of The Guardians - 7
Frozen - 7
Predators - 7
The Book Of Eli - 7
The Crazies - 7
Alice In Wonderland – 7

The A-Team - 7
Unstoppable – 7

Shutter Island – 7

Repo Men - 7
Despicable Me - 6

Clash Of The Titans – 6

Survival Of The Dead - 6

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World – 6

Tron: Legacy – 6

The Losers – 6

The Last Exorcism – 6

Red – 6

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice – 6

The Spirit - 5
Skyline – 5

Machete - 5

The Expendables - 5
Jonah Hex – 5

Devil – 5

Splice – 4

Prince Of Persia – The Sands Of Time - 3
Legion – 3

A Nightmare On Elm Street – 2

Salt – 2

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - ?*

-Would You Like To Know More?-

I saw some more 2010 releases.  I realized that keeping a list of movies released last year that I saw before January 1, 2011 is somewhat limiting, especially since there’s usually some great ones that come out in the final weeks of the year and it’s tough to see them all “on time.”  Also, Netflix doesn’t get a lot of DVDs until a full month after their actual release (the only video store near me is Schlockbuster, and I try very, very hard not to give those jackwads my business), so if I was waiting to see something at home that was coming out for the holiday season, I had to wait a little longer.  And I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it snowed a little this January.  I needed something to do while indoors or else I’d end up limping around a hedge-maze with an axe.  Or a roque mallot, if you’re a purist.  Anyway, I decided the real cutoff for 2010 should be January 31, 2011.  Savvy?

As you can see above, I added them to the list where they fall in the order I enjoyed them.  Duh.  

If you’re interested in the non-bold movies above, see my last post, “2010 Movies That I Saw In 2010.”  Some people actually got through the whole thing!  Brave souls.  Or bored souls, more like.  Brave, bored souls.

So…


Salt: Made me wish I was a slug.

Devil: Was there ever any doubt it was the old woman?  OOPS!  Spoiler Alert!  Seriously, I just saved you 80 minutes.  Also, M. Night Shyamalanturing wrote & produced this.  Hey!  I just saved you 80 minutes again!

Machete (or, Once Upon A Time In South Texas): A needlessly convoluted mess.  It was so much cooler when it was just a fake Grindhouse trailer.  No one in it got the memo that they were supposed to be having fun.  Except Don Johnson- he was kinda great, but woefully underused.  He’s ready for a career revival, but this was NOT the movie for it.  Hey, Tarantino!  I found your next fixer-upper! 

Oh, and, um… I feel compelled to append what I said before about Rodriguez: “He ain't the best out there, but he seems to know what we want and can deliver it with style.  Sometimes.”

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: McMovie’s®: Over 80 Billion Served!

Red: Cute action flicks aren’t really my thing.  They’re like pop music.  Pop Film.  Has anyone coined that?  If not, I’m claiming it.  Anyway, if I was 20 years older I might have had some more fun with it.  Reminds me of the time my grandfather asked me if I’d seen Grumpy Old Men (I hadn’t, haven’t).  He really loved it.  I’m sure Grumpy Old Men isn’t bad, but I really don’t care.  Or, won’t care until I’m in my 70’s.  Doesn’t make it a bad flick, just really not my thing.  Same with Red.  Really not bad…  in fact, it was quite good… but very, very safe and very, very aimed at the retiree crowd, as it was the opposite of the “I’m gettin’ too old for this shit” / ”two weeks to retirement…” aesthetic.  60 is the new 40!

I totally dig Mary-Louise Parker, though.  I mean that sexually.

The Last Exorcism:  Filmmakers that tackle any religious subject through horror simply refuse (or are told not to) make them scary enough.  It’s like they’re afraid of getting sued for a patron having a heart attack in the theater, or something (isn’t there an urban legend about that happening when they screened The Exorcist back in the 70’s?  Has there been a movie as scary as that since then?).  The Last Exorcism did get very freaky at times, there was some creepy imagery, and the acting was actually really great.  When all is said and done, though, it’s a movie that builds up an impressive amount of dread that makes you think you’re going to lose your mind with fear… at any moment… here it comes… awww, snap- she’s all contorted… OK, maybe next scene… you’ve come this far, don’t give up now… huh?  The credits are rolling?  FUCK. THAT. SHIT. The ending was a bit of a surprise, but I’ve seen Rosemary’s Baby.  And The Blair Witch Project.  AND THE FUCKING EXORCIST, YOU PUSSIES.

Despicable Me: Pixar makes animated movies for adults that children can thoroughly enjoy.  Despicable Me is an animated movie for children that adults can enjoy… but certainly not as much as a Pixar movie.  It was good.  The minions were really funny… but still not as funny as the Raving Rabbids from the series of Wii games that they blatantly ripped off (nerd!).  Still, it had heart, and some style.  NEXT!

Repo Men: 

    1. Peel and chop equal parts Minority Report and Blade Runner.

    2. Grind 1984 in a blender or food processor to form a paste.

    3. Add 2 cups Brazil to a large pot and bring to boil.

    4. Pour all ingredients into boiling pot, stirring occasionally.

    5. Let cool.

    6. Season with Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life references (to taste).

    Makes one 2-hour batshit crazy extravaganza.

How To Drain (huh huh… huh…) Train Your Dragon: Yeah, that’s a step in the right direction for a non-Pixar animated movie.  Thrilling visuals, voice acting that at least tries to sound like actual human interaction, an original story...  The humor was a little obvious at times, but it was forgivable.  And I think they mo-capped my cat for that main dragon without his consent.  He says he’s suing.  Do you think he has a case?  Anyway, I wish I had seen it in the 3-D.  The computer-animated stuff always fares well with the 3-D.  But, yeah.  I’ll take that.

The Town:  Great, solid, thoroughly enjoyable flick.  I’m happy that Ben Affleck has left his cheesy romcom days behind him, and ever happier that he’s a pretty great director.  Movie was a little slow for me at times, but not so slow that I lost interest.  And let’s talk about Jeremy Renner.  Guy’s a natural.  Seriously, with that character it would have been oh so easy for him to chew the scenery, but he handled it like a pro.  I wasn’t a fan of The Hurt Locker, but he was brilliant in that as well.  Anyway, good flick.

The Fighter:  Yeah, you know… Christian Bale was fantastic (duh), Marky Mark was great (it happens sometimes), Amy Adams was really good (if not a little overrated.  Not her fault), the mom was really good… not really sure what else to say.  It’s another really good Massachusetts movie.  Anothah wickid pissah Mahssachewsetts Awscah Bayt movie with grayt pafahmances.

The King’s Speech: Like a spiritual sequel to The Madness Of King George.  The king (George III/George VI) has a malady (porphyria/stammer) that prevents him from doing his duty in a time of national urgency (Regency Crisis/Rise of Hitler), and it’s not until another royal (Lady Pembroke/Queen Elizabeth) recommends the help of a quirky specialist (Dr. Willis/Lionel Logue) that employs “outside the box” psychological methods (that push the boundaries between social classes) that a breakthrough is finally made.  To be clear: I’m not trying to cheapen the film.  The King’s Speech is fantastic, with amazing performances- Colin Firth elicits sympathy at the drop of a hat, and Geoffrey Rush is always top notch.  Hell, I’d watch him read the instructions to my TV for two hours.  And isn’t it nice to see Helena Bonham Carter actually ACT every once in awhile?  But, yes- this one’s so very obviously Oscar Bait.  The thing about Oscar Bait movies, though, is that it’s often a 12oz., medium rare, horseradish-encrusted, juicy filet mignon with a side of creamed spinach & au gratin potatoes dangling on that hook.

Oh, man.  Now I’m hungry.

The American: What a quiet, beautiful, elegant little movie this was.  George Clooney has really secured himself a spot in the annals of American cinema.  He’s versatile without being flashy, intense without being all method, just a joy to watch, even in movies I’m not so fond of (like Intolerable Cruelty- the only Coen misstep).  Dude’s come a long way since Return Of The Killer Tomatoes (All apologies.  Felt a burning need to drop that reference).  Anyway, The American was beautifully shot.  The use of lighting and colors during nighttime and indoor scenes was so very Dario Argento, which is NEVER a bad thing.  And I dug the pacing (what a weird thing to say)- it kept you only slightly uncomfortable, keeping you in touch with the unease felt by the title character.  I’m looking forward to Anton Corbijn’s next film, although IMDB doesn’t list anything in pre-production.  Maybe he’s shooting another Depeche Mode video, or something.  Let’s hope not.  No offense meant, Mr. Gahan, it’s just that we need more of Corbijn’s style on the big screen.

Black Swan:  Frightening.  Mesmerizing.  Beautiful.  Thrilling.  Painful.  Sexy.  Nightmarish. Un-cOm-FoR-tA-bLe.  This movie is a fucking masterpiece.

*The Human Centipede (First Sequence):

I keep trying to write something about this movie, but I keep getting 3 or 4 words out, and then deleting them.  So, I guess I'll just reprint what I texted to my friend John when the end credits stopped rolling, because I feel like my first impression in this case will always be the purest: "I'm dumbfounded.  I think that was one of the most original, brilliant, beautiful piles of pointless exploitation dogshit I've ever seen.  I can't even begin to consider how to rate it.  I haven't been this confused about a movie… maybe ever.  I think Tom Six should be given first crack at directing anything he wants, but if he ever writes another movie he should be euthanized."

Sorry.  Total cop-out, I know, but I refuse/haven’t a clue how to rate this movie.  Some would say that means the movie succeeded in what it set out to do, and is therefore proof of its brilliance, and I’m inclined to agree… but then the next minute I almost hate myself for considering it.  It hurts to think about, and I want to be done with it.

The cinematography was awesome [slap].  It was too slow [slap].  Dieter Laser was amazing [slap].  Garbage [slap].  Brilliance [slap].  IT WAS GARBAGE AND IT WAS BRILLIANCE! 

Forget it, Jake.  It's Human Centipede.

-Epilogue-

Yeah, there’s still a multiplex-worth of 2010 movies I haven’t seen.  I will see some of them.  Someday.  And there’s a few flicks here that are screaming for that second day in court (I’m SO very ready to be SO very wrong about Scott Pilgrim). But now it’s time to focus on the new.  It’s February already.  Baby New Year (those ears!!!) is already walking and talking, for chrissake.  That pesky groundhog is about to see his own portrait and suddenly grow old, or something.  No, wait… what is it?  If the groundhog doesn’t use a reflective surface to gaze upon Andie MacDowell he turns to stone?  Whatever.  Point is it’s time to move on.  And I don’t care about 127 Hours, so stop asking.  If you were asking.  You weren’t asking, were you.  You’re not even still reading.  Why am I still typing?